Living in Survivor Mode

4.1

When you have lived in an abusive situation, you learn very quickly how to live in survivor mode. You can't stop all the abuse, but you do whatever it takes to minimize it. You quickly learn how to read people. Changes in someone's breathing pattern, tone of voice, movements, micro movements are all obvious. You watch, listen for any sign that may turn the mood in a bad direction. You become a comedian, people pleasers, light-hearted in front of others. We're actually quite good at it, because we've been testing with our audience as soon as we could talk.

It's all exhausting! We don't really sleep. We are listening to every creek in the floor boards, every sound, every elevated voice. Every noise could be a potential threat. It takes forever for us to fall asleep and we're often the last ones to go to sleep. We're the first to rise. This helps us to anticipate.

We're forever looking for safety. We enter a building; what's our escape route? How will we get out of there. Do we need to plan for anyone else to escape with us? Our kids, our brothers or sisters can't be left behind because of what will happen to them if we get away and they don't. We watch everyone who enters the room we're in. Study them. Determine if they would help or be a threat. I usually choose one person I think I can trust. But I'm usually expecting no one can fill that roll and I'm prepared to do what I need on my own. I actually can't trust anyone. I can't relax in public. I can't relax at home. I can't relax when I sleep. I've been woken up to get a beating for what I assumed was something that happened earlier that day.

The only time I can truly relax is when I'm by myself. No one around. This way of thinking doesn't leave us. We're forever thinking in this frame of mind unless you're lucky enough to find someone who can make you feel safe and comfortable. Even then, we're afraid to let our guard down. It's not always physical abuse that puts you in this state. Mental abuse, mean words, constant put-downs, do the same. Being unpredictable so I don't know if I do this today, will I be ok or will you be mad does the same. I shouldn't have to guess my every action, should I cook this tonight? If I buy this, he told me to get it, but will he get mad if I do, or will he get mad if I don't.

Think about your words and your actions before you say and do them. Saying sorry doesn't undo the damage. A makeup action like flowers or kind words after being hurtful doesn't help. We see through that. Think first. Do you change your actions if other people are around or do you act the same? You shouldn't have to. If you treat someone differently in public than you do at home, then you clearly know your actions are wrong. Stop it. Enough is enough.