Why me?

3.8

Why did I have to be born into this? What did I do to deserve this? Why is God punishing me? These are just a few questions you ask yourself as you try to reconcile what's happening to you. For me and for many, a deep anger develops and you maybe don't even know that is there, deep down inside of you.

You're forced to bury it. You've been trained to not speak up, to not fight back, and to not have you own opinion. It's just easier to go with the flow. Just agree, and do whatever it takes to survive. And that makes you even angrier

The anger is crippling. For me, even once I moved out of the house, and had my own relationship with my husband, it was still sometimes hard to not fall into the same rituals. Normal couple discussions we all have as we learn to live together, are not normal for us.

Even when I stood strong during discussions or conflict, just a couple of words could buckle me. I didn't want to disappoint. My husband never said I disappointed him, but it was so engrained in my mind, I still viewed that's what was happening.

It's hard to to have a disagreement with someone. It can even be confusing. You have to first figure out if this person is being like your abuser. You are trying to decide what they are saying, is it legitimate or are they trying to manipulate me?

You have to figure out how to react. What if you speak up and they don't take it well. And then, because you have lived with an abusive parent, even if they lived in your family house, there's an issue of abandonment. Doesn't make sense, but it's there. (That's another blog).

You're afraid if you upset them, they will leave you. So you struggle inside. How do you react? How do you state you're thoughts and opinions when they differ? But marriage is about compromise. You don't want to dictate everything in the relationship, how do you try to be fair and not be walked on? How do you or when should you compromise?

It's confusing and it's crippling. You may just give in, even if you don't want to in order to keep the peace. It happens to even the strongest of us.

Here's the thing, it's ok to state your thoughts and feelings. It's ok to stand up for what you want. It's ok to each go back and think about things, talk again and see where you've decided to come together or where you need to go back and think again. There's so much more to how we think and feel than what was mentioned here.

More importantly it's important to support, and be supported. It can be hard to feel supported, even when you are. Journal, so you can sort out your thoughts and feelings on paper. Seek help from a counselor who can help you sort out your thoughts.

You deserve to have someone who respects you, who listens to your opinions and thoughts, even when you disagree.